Erratic Rantings

[Onika Netherbright]

.....Today was random all day. My thoughts wander, my head swims, I can't seem to concentrate on anything lately. I think there is something wrong, but I have been unable to pinpoint what it is exactly. Is it my change in careers, or my refusal to become involved with anyone on a romantic level? Is it loneliness or just boredom? I suppose I will need to invest more time in trying to figure out what this funk is that I seem to be experiencing.

[Onika Netherbright]

I spoke with Kroljas earlier tonight. I have never really spent any time getting to know any of the Forsaken, or the other undead whom i have met through my travels. I don't know if it is just Kroljas or all who have no memory of their lives before they became undead. Kroljas also has no real emotion, or at least he hasn't tapped into his emotions yet. I don't know for sure if its common or just him. We spent a little time in the Exchange. I was hoping he could see others engaged socially and understand the role that emotions play in everyday life. I think he was confused by it for the most part, but maybe it helped in some small way.

He seemed very confused when I kissed him on the cheek when we said goodbye. He seems to be very old and very young at the same time. He is somewhat of an enigma that I think I will enjoy trying to understand. I have isolated myself for so long now, maybe I need to follow my own advice and get out more, socialize more, and learn how to relax and unwind.

My head is spinning constantly now, there is this buzz in my head all the time. I can't get it to stop and I think I have gotten used to living with it. I exist in a fog, sort of just going through the motions every day. I don't feel anything anymore, and I find myself feeling removed from everyone else. I remember my mother expressing feelings like this when I was younger, but I never understood what she was talking about until now. I don't know if my fate is tied to hers, I always thought I was more like dad, but maybe I have been wrong. Time will tell.

[Onika Netherbright]

Zulrajas may become a problem. He has alienated himself from most of the Regiment as of late, and he accosted me and Kroljas in Silvermoon last night. Apparently one of the squires attempted to kill him. I was going to investigate it until he began insulting the Regiment. At this point I could care less what happens to him. He abandoned Dakmah after treating her horribly while they were together. He is a callous individual who is full of himself for reasons only he can justify. I see nothing special about him, just someone who tries in vain to be more than what he is. Its sad really, but he deserves no pity from me or anyone else for that matter. I instructed the Regiment to do what they wanted with regard to him, as long as they did it as individuals and not as representatives of the Regiment. Ultimately I dismissed him, which I am sure inflamed his over-inflated sense of self-worth. I won't waste any more time on him.

[Onika Netherbright]

I am beginning to lose sleep, nightmares have me awake much of the night, and during the day i find myself unable to concentrate. I know there are those who are interested in getting to know me better. Helus seems nice, but so did Olanis in the beginning. I still feel him calling to me, the nightmares are all about him, about our life together so long ago. The Daerleon family probably still seeks me out, looking for the one that abandoned their precious golden boy. He is brilliant, gifted in the arcane, but his genius cost him his humanity. I should have run sooner, should have gotten away before I did, but I was blinded, trapped, used. He is the reason I have stayed alone, detached, isolated. I can't bring anyone else into my life, if he were to find out, find them, it would be my fault and I don't know if I can live with that. I know I should return to him, end this, but I can't, won't. I would sooner die than live the life I lived before. Every day that I am away I invite danger and pain to those around me. I have told no one of this danger. I am living a lie, but I can't risk telling anyone the truth. How would they look at me, how would they treat me? Would I even be welcome or would I be cast out, as I should be? This is my secret, one that I will live with until my past finally finds me.

[Onika Netherbright]

My hands shake a little as I try to write this now, but I don't know if it is what has been plaguing me lately or where I was earlier that is causing them to shake. It could be a combination of the two I suppose.

I just returned from the Isle, where me, Erelle, Camulus, Saira, and Evictus finally got the better of Kael. It took many hours, and more than a few of us wanted to quit. Several did quit before we were able to accomplish what we set out to do, but in the end we were able to down him. It is a small victory I know, as our actions today did not defeat him but merely slowed him, but it was still a victory just the same. We were able to best him this time, but he will be back, he always comes back.

I was afraid that we would not be able to accomplish even the tiniest of our goals, our efforts were rebuffed at every turn. Those defending Kael are strong and numerous, but we were determined to get to him, and we did.

The last time I saw Kael I was on the other side of this battle. I was one of his own. Only a couple actually know of this, and I know I can trust those who do. I looked to see if he would recognize me, but there was no look of familiarity on his face, nothing that indicated I was anything other than one of his many enemies he wished to destroy. This is why I have come here, this is part of my salvation. If I can stay the course, if I can do what needs to be done, can I redeem myself? Can I wash away the sins of my past with my actions now or am I to be held accountable until the end of my days for the mistakes of my youth?

So is it excitement or ailment that causes these hands to shake? I believe it is both.

[Onika Netherbright]

Another day has passed, but they are getting harder and harder to get through. I spent the day fighting Kael's army again. Again we were victorious, but the wins are shallow ones. Hic voice echoes throughout the land, he taunts us, knowing we can do little more than banish him temporarily. Yet every day I will return to fight if I am able, and maybe one of these battles will finally be the last.

I spent time today with Alithen, something I have been needing to do. He lost a family member to suicide and he doesn't appear to be handling it very well. We sat and talked at great length about many different things until I became too tired to continue. My hands were shaking again, the dizziness returned, and Alithen summoned a friend who is well versed in the art of medicine. After a careful examination, he determined that there is a virus or disease of some sort that is causing the cells in my body to attack themselves. He was able to detect an arcane touch to the ailment, which leads me to believe this was contracted before I arrived in Silvermoon. I am still trying to think back to when it all started, the fatigue, headaches, dizziness. I have enough of the tonic to last me for a while still, but I am going to have to start rationing it soon. It is important that I mask these symptoms as long as possible, perhaps no one will notice. This is, I fear, just one more punishment for crimes committed what seems like a lifetime ago.

[Onika Netherbright]

Much has happened lately, and I haven't been as diligent with keeping my journal up to date, but I can summarize a little of what has been going on. Sairia lost her child. I was asked to perform the funeral services. Always tough when its a child, its one of the reasons I did what I did, I couldn't stand knowing she was gone because of me. Every day that goes by, though my heart breaks, I know I did the right thing.

I saw her a few days ago, from a distance of course. Elynn and Travier are doing a good job, they are very good parents. I will continue to avoid him, but I can feel something taking its toll on my body. I live in hiding now almost all of the time it seems. So afraid that he will see me.

My decisions have been the right ones, at least most of them.

[Onika Netherbright]

I had to ask for help today, but I had to be careful who I asked. Alithen I know will help me and keep whatever he finds out between us. I saw her again, she was running around in the field with Elynn and Travier watching her like a hawk. I saw a glowing purple ball around her hands, I suppose magic is in her blood after all. I am getting worse, but I don't know what to do to stop the disease. I was told it will kill me if nothing is done, but to figure out what it is, I have to find him, and death is preferable to that. I look around me and I see everyone with normal relationships, friends, children, happiness, and I look at myself and am disgusted by the charade that I live every day of my life. I can't tell anyone but it will be discovered soon, of that I am certain. I can't ignore my past any longer, it has finally caught up to me and now I am all alone in facing it, although Alithen has pledged his help, he has no idea what he is up against and I don't want to put him in harms way. I want to see her again, but now that this is happening, I don't think its safe to do so any longer.

How much more can I take, how much more can I dish out? Where do I go from here, once I am no longer welcome among the Netherbrights?

[Onika Netherbright]

I spoke with Alithen about my illness, he is taking some men and is going to look into what might be the cause. I know there is a chance he will find out things that I have kept from everyone, but I am certain he can be trusted.

[Onika Netherbright]

Alithen knows, but I think he will keep the information to himself. He says he spoke with Olanis and he admitted to Alithen that he was responsible for the disease, but refused to give any information about a cure. He thinks she is with me, which means she is safe where she is for the time being. I would rather him hunt me, thinking she is with me, than turn his attention on finding her. I feel uneasy around everyone, like I have this secret tattooed across my head, for everyone and anyone to see. I make small talk, I smile, I joke, but its all a lie.

[Onika Netherbright]

Much has been happening lately. I completed all of my training with the SSO and have been promoted within their ranks. I have also proven myself with the Violet Eye and the Skyguard. I keep hoping that these accomplishments will somehow wipe away the actions of my past, but I know that they won't.

My patience has grown very thin as of late. I find myself mumbling and complaining to myself more and more about the actions of those around me, but I wonder if it is my own conscience that I am frustrated with. I have tried to tolerate Wryn since joining the Regiment. I know she is young, but her self-centeredness and her arrogance has finally taken its toll. I spend so much of my time helping those around me and she somehow feels justified in calling the officers out about not helping enough. She has no idea what is going on around her, she is childish and selfish and I have no doubt that her comments during the guild meeting were more about bringing attention to the fact that she helped someone than voicing a genuine concern. Always needing to be the center of attention, she has always been about herself, not caring who gets trampled underfoot as long as she gets her way. She will receive nothing from me, not assistance, not a kind word, not even recognition. This may seem harsh I know, but I have put up with more than enough ridiculousness from her. We are in a war! We are not a bunch of school children playing games.

[Onika Netherbright]

I returned home after today's missions to find a ring made of a mana crystal. It had no note, it didn't need one. I know who this is from, and it means he knows where I am. I will have to keep up the appearance of having her with me, and try not to be alone so that he will remain in the dark as long as possible. I know this is a temporary fix, but until I can get word to Travier and Elynn it is the best that I can do. I will have to talk to Ere now. She is in danger as long as I keep her in the dark. My time with the Regiment may be drawing to a close.

[Onika Netherbright]

Today I arrived home to find a note waiting for me. I can't ignore this any longer. Olanis knows where I am and what I have been doing. He has been having me followed and watched, and he knows about Danika. It is time to tell Erelle.

[Onika Netherbright]

It has been a while since I last found time to record my thoughts, but now I find myself with a bit of time, and it seems that my thoughts might be important down the road.

I have had repeated contact with Olanis although never alone. I see him everywhere I look, he is in Silvermoon, he is watching me while I am in the Outlands, working for the SSO, helping others. Every time I look he is there, but I don't know if it is him or his magic that I see. I do not know much of the arcane arts, but I do know that Olanis is the most talented arcanist I have ever met. If anyone could project their image to a place they were not it would be him. I find myself feeling isolated from the Regiment. The news of my marriage and my child were met with relative calm, I was surprised that I was not booted, but I believe there are other things of greater importance happening right now. I have met my responsibility and warned those who know me of the dangers posed by Olanis. The fight against him now is mine, and nobody needs to be involved. I had a few offer assistance, but it was given on the spur of the moment, right after my announcement. None have offered to assist me since the day of the announcement. I do not want to put others in danger, so I will try to fight this threat alone.

I dare not steal away to see Danika with Olanis watching me so closely. He must know that she is not with me, but I am praying that he only thinks I have her locked up safe in the city somewhere. Once he starts looking I will bring her to me to try to protect her. This means I must tell her who I am, who her father is, and why I abandoned her as I did. I do not know how this will play out. I wish my father had died in my mother's place. His evil continues to wreak havoc in my life even after I have cut all ties to him.

[Onika Netherbright]

Where to begin. Much has happened. I see Olanis regularly now, but with each sighting comes less apprehension. He would have, should have made his move already if he were going to.

I have been hurt once more by my family. I think it is time for me to move on for a while. A sabbatical of sorts. I can no longer remain an officer in a regiment where officers are no more than place holders, with no real authority. I was shown great disrespect by a soldier and after warning him, he told me to shove my warning. I demoted him for 2 weeks, only to have my sister undo my discpilinary action less than 10 minutes after the meeting adjourned. She spent the time to speak with him about it after the meeting, but she undermined me without so much as two words to me before she took this action. He contributes nothing that I can see to the Regiment. She may believe that he "helps" her, but I have done more for her than he can or will ever do for her, and she stands idly by, no wait, not idly, she allows for my disrespect and poor treatment by individuals who bring little to nothing to the Regiment. I feel myself becoming bitter and angry and I will not go back to that place again. I have finally arrived at a place that is good for me, and I do not want to let anger destroy the peace I finally found. I have resigned as an officer for the Regiment, and I will take a sabbatical to try and clear my head and regain perspective. I have many times now had to sit quietly as Erelle ignored behavior directed at me that she would never tolerate if it were directed at her. Her argument, that this individual has never treated her poorly, is irrelevant, as he was not being disiplined for treating her poorly. Just because he doesnt treat her badly does not excuse his poor treatment of the other officers. If he had spoken that way to any of the officers I would have demoted him just as I did when he spoke to me. He claims that I must EARN his respect, funny how that works. I was fine for the job of presiding over his son's funeral when none of his other friends even cared to show up. I have done nothing to not have his respect, I rarely even interact with him at all, but he feels justified in throwing insults my way. I dont suppose that says much for how he feels or felt about his now dead son, to let someone of "my caliber" say the parting words over his son's grave before saying his final goodbye to him. I know now why he has no friends aside from his wife. He cares for himself, and only himself. I feel sorry for Sairia really, to be tied to an elf like that.

I hoped for my sister's support, but the saddest part of this is that I knew I would not have it. I told Loviatar that she would undo what I did and moments later it was true. Perhaps she is still angry at me for our past, but I can no longer accept the fact that she treats me worse than the other members of the Regiment. If it had been any other officer who had demoted him, I believe she would have let the demotion stand. I must take my leave now. I am sad that I will not be able to pursue my friendship with Kroljas, he was someone I believe I had identified with, but I must do this.