An Unassuming Notebook....

[Erelle Netherbright]

A small, almost unnoticed hardback black notebook lies abandoned on a bench. The wind picks up, flipping the book open, the pages turning rapidly in the breeze. The wind dies down and the book remains open. Upon closer inspection, the pages seem to be filled with tidy handwriting, most decidedly female...you know you're curious.

-----

I thought about her again, its been almost a week since I thought about her. Does that make me a bad person? Perhaps just forgetful, but to forget her...

I know I am not so good as everyone believes, but I'm good at putting on appearances. These thoughts plague me, these distractions are overwhelming. So much is going wrong.
Mesoni is dead and Evelyse is trapped somewhere in Tempest Keep. Somehow, I know I am to blame.

The distractions...I'm losing sleep.

Is this normal? This rage and this hate, does everyone feel this? I find that I am truly afraid to know the answer to that question. I dreamt about killing him again. I slit his throat and bathed in his blood. It was glorious, wonderful and I woke up myself up laughing.

She was in my dreams too.

I'm ashamed, I am not who I pretend to be. Such anger cannot be healthy, but it fuels me, pushes me forwards. I welcome it.

And her.

All for her.

I am plagued by the ghosts of my past.

[Erelle Netherbright]

People are trying to change me, capture me, cage me.
I don't know what it is about people, they just can't leave me alone. They stare at me like I'm some kind of animal that needs to be caged. He talked about capturing me. Said I was already his but I just didn't know it yet.

<The writing gets sloppier and angrier as the page continues>

I won't.
I won't.
I won't.

I'll kill anyone that tries, just let them see.
I almost wish they would.
I'm in control, not them. If they try and catch me then I'll kill them.
I don't belong to anyone.
ANY ONE.

I am no one's property.

I wish they would leave me alone.
I have to finish what I'm doing, I'm nowhere near close to seeing the end of this.
Somedays I doubt whether I'll live to see that day.
No - I refuse to die before Kael.
I refuse.

Someone called me self-destructive today.
Why can't they see?

I do everything for them but they just don't see. They just want more and more and more.

Sib has lost her mind.

I miss her.


I keep yelling at Toumar, but he just doesn't seem to get it. He's so dense sometimes. So nice.

I love him.
But I push him away.
I'm afraid.

I despise weakness.

I'm weak.

I despise myself.


I hear the whispers, I know what people are saying. They're wrong, all of them. Wrong. I'm not like him, no matter what they say. I'm stronger than Kael'thas, I would never accept help from demons. I don't need help from anyone.

I can do it on my own, and if I can't, then I'm going to try anyway.

I haven't slept in days now, I don't know what's wrong.

Maybe it's her?

Disappointed even now.

Of course.

I'm doing my best but I seem to keep failing. What am I doing wrong? Where am I not doing it the way I should? I want to save my people, save us all. Redeem my past and set things right by my mother.

Damn my father to hell.
Damn him.
He'll die with Kael and I'll cut out his spiteful tongue.

I think I'll kill him first.


<The next several pages are ripped out, the pages jagged as if removed in a rage.>

[Erelle Netherbright]

((This song fits this perfectly. >_> Clicky. www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuCHpaHJadA))



-----

Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like.
Would I have a family?
Children?
Waking up and looking into those big brown eyes every morning...
Would we have been happy?
Would we have loved each other always?
Or was it just the love shared by the young?

The time we had together was so special. Something about that smile...

I love you so much still...

And I'm so sorry, for what I did.

<Tear drops blur the rest of the words on the page slightly.>

Nothing could have prepared me for seeing you like that...

Mikel.
My Mikel.

Scourge.


I love you Mikel...but I'm moving on.
Please forgive me, my beautiful Mikel.


And when my sword bit into your stomache...a flash of who you once were flickered in those eyes of yours.

My silly human, my Mikel.

[Erelle Netherbright]

I stood today, staring over the cliffs of the Hinterlands, watching the waves froth and crash against the jagged rocks.

I wonder if it would hurt.

To crash again and again, breaking against harsh, cutting stone, reforming only to slam into it again.

What a miserable extistence.
A punishment.
Hell.


I'm sure I'll know what its like soon enough.

[Erelle Netherbright]

I envy them in their detachment from it all. Sinfael...Sael...even Toumar and Kroljas.

They don't seem to suffer from this fire that plagues even my bones.

This plague that keeps me from sitting still, that keeps me from being kind.

I've hurt Toumar.
I slept with Tairan.

I can't put this out of my mind - this fire that is consuming me.

Kael'thas must die, no matter who gets hurt - but wait...


That's not right either.


I can see myself, slipping down the same slope.


Gods,
Someone save me.

Someone protect me from myself.
Protect me from the things that I want most.

[Erelle Netherbright]

Toumar left me, I find myself caring less than I thought.


There's someone else, in my life and in his.


That's all.

I find myself not wanting to write, who knows who will find this again?

[Erelle Netherbright]

I could care less who finds this journal now, perhaps...someone will find it, and learn from my mistakes, or at least, find it a way to pass the time on a sleepless night.

The sad tale of Erelle Netherbright, eh?


The cold presses downward, compressing my chest and causing my joints to ache. No matter. I will continue forward.

I will not feel sorry for myself.
My actions are my own, and my responsibilty. I must take full responsibility for my stupidity.

I refuse to pass the blame.


I made a mistake and brought someone back. Whether he is the wrong one or I am is yet to be determined.

I will face whatever outcome with my back straight and my head held high.

I am Erelle Netherbright, Commander, and friend.

I will push myself forward. I will not give up and I will not be broken.

Let the gods throw what they will at me. I will take my knocks and I will roll with the punches.

Self pity has no place in my life.

I will continue. I will prevail. I will live up to who I am destined to be.


This is the last entry I will be making.

Farewell, dear reader, or whoever finds this.


Onika, Tou, Takaii, Roo and Sai...

You have become my dearest friends, my family.

We are not alone.

We will see the sun at the end of this.




Strength and Honor, friend.

Erelle Sellyene Netherbright