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Post by Helusterne on Mar 19, 2008 14:55:42 GMT -5
The baby was crying again...I can't help but think that I am the reason she crys. Something must be wrong with me. It is why my own kind would care for an orc more than me..
Only one person ever cared, and then she died...I don't know why I am what I am. I want to know what is wrong with me, why my life must be one bad turn afetr another all leading to my death, but I hope for that one spark that will bring me out of this.
I can't stand the fact that I don't know what is wrong with me it eats at me I need to know why I am different why my god sees it fit to punish me the ways she does. Is it what I have done...what I will do? What is wrong with me?
The only thing that keeps this false smile on my face is that child...Ricky. She is going to be a great person, as strong as her father, one can only hope.
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Post by Helusterne on Mar 20, 2008 11:57:44 GMT -5
I may have found my spark...I am not sure. I am hardly sure of anything anymore. But in light of what has happened to me lately I will take what I can get. I do care for her..and I know she feels the same. I don't know why I can only seem to attract female blood elves. I have said it far to many times but my own kind do not like me...it is that singular flaw.
This one thing that is wrong with my and the connection with my people, I would do anything to protect them, and yet they keep turning their cheek to me. I don't know what it is...I know I will go insane trying to find out. But that is a risk I am willing to take.
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Post by Helusterne on Mar 30, 2008 2:04:05 GMT -5
I try...I really do, none of them trust me. How could they, I went against her...in front of all of them, but she needs to see. She is a great person but being a great person, doesn't make you a great leader. Ricky took her first steps today..I am so proud of her. none of them teally know me. I hardly know me, I wish I could say I know who I am but....when that question comes up, who can really answer it?
I try to tell myself I am Helus, and by name I am but I want to know me deeper...how sad is it that I need to know myself. And I say other people don't know me. The argument with Ere, Kael is a huge problem, but I stand by the fact that the legion will take any chance they can get. And Sael....telling me I need to know when to compromise! War has no compromise! You win or you lose and that is that.
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Post by Helusterne on Mar 31, 2008 18:27:27 GMT -5
I have this feeling, like I need to belong to something. I have never really been part of a family, but what little time I did have one I enjoyed it. Being a netherbright has shown me a few things but I get this fleeting feeling I need just a bit more. I won't leave the regiment...but I still want a family. Raising my daughter on my own will be hard...and I have the bruises to prove it.
She needs a mother, maybe no so much...I won't ever tell her who her real mother is, she didn't earn the right to know her child. But Ricky will need someone, I can only be a father to her. Will I honestly understand her? This is my first child, and sadly I will be her only parent. My fears for her have taken over, I don't care what happens to me anymore. I just want my Ricky to live a better life.
Onika....she makes me stop dead in my tracks, I feel strange around her. She is an attractive elf. But the same time I am attracted to her, I am afraid of her, I am afraid of being crushed again and feeling like I did when Takchawee left me. I can't stand that feeling, like I am worhtless. I am not sure I can stand that again.
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Post by Helusterne on Apr 6, 2008 19:31:40 GMT -5
That is it...everyone has problems, but elves! I lost the woman that I love, I am not a single father, my life is hard but when you give a elf half the problems I have they snap and give into insanity! I can't stand them anymore.
I can't stand it. I try very hard to keep myself together for my daughter and the others I love! But I lose friends left and right because they lost something very small. They are a self destructive race, I can't stand to watch them do what they do. They all act like Kael in one way or another, and they all become crazy!
I wish I had a family. That is what I need, I never had one, so how would I know when I have one? But Ricky needs a mother, I will not understand her past a point someone will need to help me, I know I keep repeating this but I want her to have a better life than I did. I love her so very much, she is walking like not tomorrow.
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Post by Helusterne on May 27, 2008 12:11:37 GMT -5
It is quiet for me now. Like when I was young. I miss this feeling. I feel almost a rest. And now I look at my daughter, and I wonder the life she could have had. If she would have been heppy with her mother, but wondering such things it worthless to me. What I really wonder is if a woman will ever be attracted to me again?! At least I can still laugh at myself. I have enough sanity to do just that. Now it is time for me to be quiet again. To be ALMOST at rest.
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