My Inner Thoughts

[Sairia]

-A book is laid before you. The design of it is far tattered with worn, leather covering, the spining seeming to have ben bent far too many times, and the corners as if banged roughly against things. As you look inside, the pages seem just as bad, waterlogged and crinkled, showing obvious signs that it has been through far much than it should have. Writing can be seen on the paper, some words faded, but although remaining legible. A few of the pages at the beginning seemed to have either fallen out or been torn out.-

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Page 43 - I worry.

Only a few days I have been in the Netherbright guild. Once I used to despise these people, but now I have come into a realization I was a fool to think they were bad.

Erelle is a really nice girl. Though, naked leap frog across Silvermoon didn't allow me to figure that much out.

Toumar is a good guy. I am glad that Erelle decided to go for him finally.

It's funny that Shadouri followed, but I shouldn't say anything considering that I followed Takaii.

It's been a few days since this Shattered... Sun thing came out. I've contributed as much as I could, only doing such tasks that don't require much fighting on my part. Though, I cannot help but worry. I worry of the future, though I know I shouldn't, I do.

Hubz isn't around as often, though, I don't see him 24/7 as it is, but it only worries me more that he is off doing some mission that could risk his life. He told me a few things of it.. having to do with Tairan. I still wondered why he allowed such a man to do his biddings. Not that he is bad, but there are some dirty secrets that I know Hubz wouldn't approve of.

I'm a mother to be, baring the child of my beloved hubby. I am proud to say that one day a child will be born, but I cannot help but feel that I am useless. I wish to stand by his side, to aid him. I wish to be able to do the things I was once able to. Not that being confined is bad, but I am sure you know what I mean. I want my lover to come home. I want to be able to fall asleep with him in bed next to me. The thought of me barrying him instead gives me such chills....

-A large paragraph seemed to be far too faded to read-

There are other things that boggle me; that make me feel as if I do not belong in such a guild, or even city. Few people know of my true identity, and the fact I lie to the rest almost makes me sick inside. Hubz does not know the full story.


The posters have become less and less apparent upon the city walls and other places. I am starting to believe that they have given up. Maybe it doesn't need to be revealed.

-Sai

[Day 2]

Page 48 - I mourn.

-Approximately written around the next day from the one before. The pages are smeared with dried blood and stained by tears.-


Today is a day I thought would never come. Normal as ever it started. Getting to spend a bit more time with Hubz, strangely more than usual. A possible sign. He made me a cake, how sweet he is. Before we wandered into the depths of that haunted mansion, he told me how he was going to think of such names for our child-to-be.... atleast... was-to-be.

As the days have past I've felt unusual pains within me. Pain particularly in my abdomen area. I thought it was typical pregnancy, foolish I was to not seek help sooner. I hadn't known. How naive I am of such a beautiful thing. Hubz has always been so happy and excited... the fact that he tended to all my wants and needs for nothing makes me feel as if I am to blame for it all. As if I used him. I'm such a horrible person.. aren't I? What am I saying.. you're a diary, you cannot respond.

Today was the day I woke up in not only my own pool of blood, by my child's as well. Within my womb I could feel the no longer living fetus. No longer did our hearts beat in unison. No longer was there that unconditional warmth and love that I would bare. Empty. Death. Absolutely nothing. I was cold.... and He was beside me. Hubz. Such a worn, worried face. Such a face I wished not to see. He cried.... He cried by my side! How weak and useless he was as he held me in his arms... I could hear him saying to himself.

My child is dead?
No.... This is all simply a dream. My child isn't dead... it's a joke. Takaii was lying.. That wasn't my blood.. nor my child's. It's all a joke. They are trying to make me believe that my baby is no longer within my womb. Tell me it isn't true, book which I speak so openly to.
That wasn't really blood. It was all planned.. they had to of put it there when I was asleep. This scar? They must have managed to take out the fetus while I was asleep. Perhaps they have it hidden somewhere and are simply telling me it was gone. Magic these days can do wonders.

I am beginning to hear things.

-The writing begins to appear more scribbled, as if the person was shakey and quick to write.-

They are lying! It's all lies! My child isn't dead! Please tell me my loving child is still within myself! The scar is a fake! The thing burried by the lake was a fake! Not a fetus.. perhaps a skinned dead rat to take its place. Oh how they will pay... To think they would take me for a fool! I'll be sure to tell Hubz tomorrow of the horrid things we've been told.



-The writing is less sloppy here. A rather nice, fancy cursive.-

Erelle was very nice today, as usual. I love her a lot... She planned the funeral for my child. A few were there. Such a sad... horrid moment it was. I could see Hubz, again having broken down. I could see myself as well.. falling to the ground and wailing. From a distance I could see everybody.. everything. Onika preached very well. I should thank her when I see her. Takaii.. Toumar... Sael showed up. Helus too.






How sad it is. A child dying. I'd hate to feel the pain that the family I witnessed felt. How I'd hate to feel it so much.


-Sai

[Day 3]

Page 52- I live.


Two days since the death of the child I was hoping to bare. I remain sad and often times I cry, but I have learned that life must go on. Hubz' and my child shall forever remain in our thoughts, prayers, and hearts. Never shall we forget the child that we were hoping to have. I've learned to smile, as well as he.

Hubz and I planned a vacation a few days before the miscarriage took place. That vacation shall still remain, and we plan to go to a lovely waterfall somewhere along Elwynn Forest. A place he took me once before. Such a romantic spot; he knows how much I love waterfalls. We plan to camp there and he says he'll even cook for me. He's such a great cook.

We haven't been intimate in a good while. -Here, a faded, sketched heart could be seen.-

I don't have much else to say. Other than the fact that I am the new captain of Takaii's old ship. Prowess was it? Never seen it and I even offered Hubz the position as my First Mate. He took it of course. Prior to this, he declared himself the "boss", the head hancho, the man of the house. No longer will I be able to dominate him like I did when I was pregnant, though.. the thought of being whipped about doesn't sound so bad... heheh...

I told him I was the boss on deck.

Well.. besides openly telling you, oh diary of mine, all the fun and loving things I plan to do with Hubz, I just wanted to let you know I am getting better. Even though.. you're just a book. I am happier.. heart broken, but much happier.

-Sai

[Rawr]

Page 54- I smile.


Forgive me for I haven't written to you in quite some time. As you can tell I am a bit.. happier. Actually, MUCH happier than I usually am. Hubz and I ultimately did go on the vacation. It was only for a day, but either way I still loved it. I got to spend much time with him. He cooked for me and we cuddled next to a fire. It was such a lovely evening and night. The falls were so gorgeous. It's amazing how lucky the Humans are to have Elwynn, though I am sure many others say the same for us having Eversong.

Not much has really happened even before or after the whole... vacation. Heh, I still continue to devote myself to the.. SSO? Is that what they call it? Shattered.. Sun... yeah. Speaking of which.. They seemed to have all gotten to know me which makes me feel rather special considering the amounts of others which chip in their time and effort to help out as well.

I found my new ship. I'm the new Captain of the Prowess? Did I already say? I forget.... But I love it! Hubz and I, I believe just yesterday, went out and checked it out. My how big it is! He kept complaining it was poorly decorated. He complains about a lot of things.

Speaking of Hubz, again, he left his guild. The Bonereaver Clan. I think he plans on joining the Regiment. Isn't that something? Just months ago he complained on how much he hated it. I wasn't... so keen either but I was a fool not to overlook all the harsh things being said and such. I love them. -A bubbly heart is shown drawn here.- <3

[Sairia]

Page 56 - I think.

Forgive me... It's been a while since I've written to you. Much has happened since the last time I wrote. Over a month.

Over a month since my child's death... My time seems to fly.. Already it has been thought of between Hubz and myself for trying again. The thought sends chills down my spine with excitement, but I cannot help but feel a bit guilty.. as if it may be too soon. I feel in a way that I must continue to wait, or else we may forget about the one that we had to give a funeral to. I don't think that will be the case... Satt nor I could ever forget him.. or her.


Speaking of children... a week ago our daughter apparently came up to Hubz, claiming this. Our daughter..... One with a brother as well. Both of them claiming to have illegally come through the Caverns of Time. It shocks me.. and at the same time it is unbelievable. Unfortunately I had to force the truth out from the boy... but a few days ago he willingly spoke of himself, his sister.. and his reasons for being here....
They're twins. Both sixteen. I haven't told Satt this yet. I haven't found the time, especially since yesterday was his birthday. I didn't want to ruin his time.
My son's name is Seliren. We sat in Silvermoon and spoke for a while. He was the one who told me the reason why he came here, his sister following unknowingly behind him. He spoke of death. Both Satturos and I encountering in the mere future when they were still young. Not just some... any kind of death.... a selfish kind... the kind idiots run into and get themselves into. He told me how I had been wanting to get out of retirement, and how Satt did not but went along with it anyways. He spoke of how I thought he was overprotective.. and went out on my own.. Where I was killed from being ambushed..

-Here, the writing seems a bit sloppy, a few of the words speckled with tears that have been dried.-

For a year apparently, Satturos had been a mess.. mourning for me.. He hadn't been a father for his kids. And then he wanted revenge... Where he went off to try and kill those who had previously killed me... He too died...
Seliren... my son from the future came here to warn me.. of us from this... I'm sorry, it does seem like an unusual story, but to me it tears my heart out... The fact that if we hadn't known of this.. we would have selfishly torn our kids apart from their parents.

I plan on telling Satt soon. I hope he takes it well.

Never again do I want to pick up a weapon....




Other things have happened other than this. Well... or should I say nothing...? Takaii has been getting on me a lot about my laziness as a captain. It's true... I hardly make effort to recruit other members. Just.. after this whole thing has been happening, I haven't much cared for anything else except for the interest of my family.
I'm sorry Takaii darling, I promise to make more time for our ship fun and games.

Oh! I also got a Willy!

[Sairia]

Page 65 - I regret.

It's been a few days since I have written. You must forgive me. As of late I've been having difficulty reading or even seeing. It gradually is getting worse and I feel this is because the potion is wearing off.

Where to start. I've lied. Decieved. Cheated. It was a long time ago perhaps, but it still happened. The look on my husband's face is one I shall never forget. I could feel his heart breaking. A feeling that I never want to see or feel again. Oh, how it hurt. I had slept with Pyris numerous times while we had been dating. Vivyan didn't know all the facts, but for some reason she feels the need to spread rumor of me claiming he had raped me. I don't quite understand her point her sudden hatred toward me. I had never done anything to her. I've always been kind to her. It hurts me because I feel fingers being pointed toward me, but none towards the people who have done such similar things. I am not making any excuse. What I've done was wrong and all the guilt and punishment I recieve is greatly deserved. Something just doesn't feel jusitified....

He doesn't trust me. I understand that. It's something I must deal with. He did take me back, which I am so grateful for. I am not sure what I could ever do without him. We planned a long vacation. One that may last most of my pregnancy. Yes.. I am pregnant. I haven't told you yet. Forgive me. The strangest place where my two twins were concieved. A poor peon's home in the Barrens. They shall never know.
Yes... going back to the vacation. Hubz and I greatly dislike Silvermoon. I wonder why I find myself going back. Currently we're suppose to be in Moonglade, spending a week there. It's so pretty! I absolutely love it. I want to build a vacation home there. For when we need to get away from everything, such as now. Little does he know, I kinda sorta snuck back at to the house.

You'd be surprised who I found at home. Well, not really surprising, but I did come upon an interesting conversation between my son and Larken. She claims to not understand why I dislike her. Well, I can't say that I hate her, but there are many things I do dislike about her. Knowing that she walked upon my ship and entered my house without mine nor Hubz's permission really bugs me. I wish Sel didn't have a spare key. I wonder what other things she has said about be when I wasn't around.

I continue to worry wjhether things will be as great as they seem. Before my admitting to Satt about me cheating, he had said something about things going great. I feel terribly guilty.. ruining that. I wonder all the time now whether I've made him as happy as he claims, if those smiles are true or fake. I'm such a terrible... terrible being....



We had a meeting before we decided to leave for our vacation. Satt talked back to Onika. This upset me. I question all the time why he even remains in the Regiment. He's only in it for myself, I know. To spend more time with me. I wish he would show more effort toward others. I wish he'd be kinder. Onika resigned her spot as a General and has become nothing more than a soldier. I feel sorry for her. I wish she felt more respected. I respect her greatly. I've been thinking myself about resigning my position as an Admiral. I haven't been an officer for very long, but with me being pregnant, I have a future, a family I must think about. Being a part of the Naval Division may be dangerous. I don't want to take any possible risks. Risks that may lead to the same fate my first unborn had. That forever remains a burden upon my soul.... and little does Satt know, I continue to hold much guilt on that...

Darling, I hope you never see this.

[Sairia]

(( Note: The journal from here on will change a little. A lot of emotional stress has been placed upon Sai currently, so red will be the color which seperates herself from Anasari. You'll learn who Anasari is hopefully in the future. ))


Page 71 - I hear voices.

I've learned much. Much since last I wrote to you. You'd be very surprised. I.. I am not myself. I told him... Yes.. I told him about you. Don't yell at me...

I told him about you.. how I tried to run from you but apparently you are faster than I. You are a fast runner. I hated you for that. The doctor used to think you were weak but you proved him wrong. So wrong...

I told him how they called you "Princess". How you are the daughter of that fiend... The one who wishes to rebuild the Blood Elven race.... The one who wishes to become king. I told him of the training.. and the horrid water. How you hate that water. I love it, but you hate it so much. It scares you so much.

I hear you often. Laughing in my face. But not laughing in my face because you're cold-hearted. Far too cold-hearted. That evil stare in your voice. Those pale, machine-like eyes. No... you are nothing more than a machine. One built to take orders.

Why did you even come into this world? Why have you come back into my life, Anasari?

You were always pathetic. Weak. Seaking help and love and all your stupid emotions. You are weak. Pathetic. Weak. Weak. Pathetic. He'll leave you. I'll kill your babies... I'll be sure to stab you and rip those fetuses from within your womb. I'll mash them with a hammer; into pulp. I'll splay them about the road of Silvermoon and display their disgusting bodies on the walls for all to see. Then I will laugh and spit on them...

Your husband will blame you. Claim you crazy. He'll leave you. You are not Sai. You are Anasari. You are a killing machine. You are me. Daughter of Lord Melthoran D'Irdalan. You will succeed under his name. People will call you "The Blood Queen" like they called that one crazed woman. The crazed woman.... It's what you are...


No... No.. I won't. Satt won't let me. Satt is by me always. He told me he will be with me. Right..? Right.....? Right...

He said he'd never let go. He'd always protect me. Nothing will happen. You won't get me. I won't get me. I am not Anasari. I am Sai. Sai is my name. I was born Sai.

I am Sai.
Erelle calls me Sai.
Takaii calls me Sai.
Satt calls me Sai.
Shadouri calls me Sai.
Onika calls me Sai.
I call me Sai.

I am Sai. Born Sai.

Anasari isn't Sai. Ana isn't Sai. Ana not Sai. Not.. Sai.

I have a husband who claims to have gone through what you have. How are you so close with him when he's never met you? I ran from you a long time ago and now you've come to kill everything...

If Satt went through what you did... Does that mean he isn't Satt? Will he do the things you want to do?

Will he want to kill me?

No.. he can't.
He loves me.

I'm his wife.


Are you really such a fool to believe he loves you? He's no different than me. He was built to feel no such emotion. It does not exist. It's all fake. Pretend.

Such as the doctor said. He'll kill you. Your children... and do such demented things as I would. As you would.

You are not Sai.
You are Anasari.
You are me.
I am you.

You are greater than Satt. You are greater than him because you have me.

You have me and I have you. Together we're us. Together we're the daughters of D'Irdalan. We can help father. Father is the leader.

We can kill. Nobody loves you. Nobody cares. He does not care. Satturos does not feel. He is simply putting an act to get you back to us.

You will come home and fulfill what needs to be done..

Those children will be in your way.

I will rid of them.



....You will do no such thing, Ana.

Just watch me.