Amuse Yourself

[Ruthven Blazefury]

This seems horribly pointless. What’s the use in writing down thoughts and feelings in a book that only I’ll ever read? I just… don’t understand it, but there that is. I’ve been advised to start keeping a book like this. Perhaps my guild would like something to read and laugh at when I die.

Well, let’s see.

Last night, I convinced Ashtehn to go away with me. He’s my best friend, after all, besides Erelle, and I suppose Rathana, if you want to count him, though I wouldn’t. Ash and I went outside Silvermoon, into the gardens. I had no idea what kind of person he was in relationships. I’m still not quite sure.

At first, I thought I was playing the dominate one, but then he held me and that changed. I think I love him. I told him I did. When he told me he loved me… The strangest thing happened. My heart felt… strange. As if something had been injected into it. And I was… happy. That’s the first time I’ve ever been… happy… like that… when someone said that they loved me. It was so strange. And I loved it.

I kissed him. I kissed Ashtehn. My best friend. He loves me. I love him. What have I done?

It’s not as if Rathana would care. He said that he only considers having sex with someone as cheating. Everything else is fair game. But I just… I feel awful about it. And I don’t know what to do. What if I’m unhappy with Rathana?

Takaii has said that he will shoot Rathana. Erelle has warned me that she will kill him if he gets up in her face again.

I don’t want him to die. I want to make him happy. That’s why I’m with him. What will I do if I’m unhappy? I’ll most likely suffer through it, as long as it makes Rathana happy, because he would be my husband, and I’d do anything for him. Maybe I’m just paranoid because we’re going to be married and I’ve never done this before. I get paranoid easily.

Takaii was also a great distraction yesterday. He seems to be… starved for attention. And he makes me want to give him all the attention he wants. He’s such a cute little Captain.

What the hell is happening to me? I used to be able to do this. Flirt with everyone, and not love but maybe two people. But now… I love so many. And it’s killing me, because I’m not sure if I really love them or what’s going on, and I’m getting married to Rathana, and it’s only been a week, and I’m seriously considering just leaving again. I just feel so confused. All the time. And it hurts.

On a less… romantic note, Ash and I met this… fairly insane girl who goes by.. Avelaise, I think? Not Sibilya-insane, just a bit out of it. She seems to be under the delusion that she is from a different time period and is here to study us. She was frightfully interesting. She kept making strange comments. She has a little sketchbook that she writes down all her research in. She drew Ashtehn and I. I remember, she wrote down “The Ashtehn is the mate of the Lord Ruthven.” That made me smile.

[Ruthven Blazefury]

He asked me to leave the Regiment. Rathana.

How the Hell did he think I'd respond to that? "Yes sir"? I can’t believe he even thought to ask that. Granted, some of the Regiment’s members would like nothing better to see Rathana maimed and skewered, but. The Regiment’s my family. I can’t leave them.

He made me tell him the names of everyone who has said they’d like him dead. Rathana is getting horribly paranoid and scared. He said he wouldn’t go back to Silvermoon anymore, because of my guild mates (and Despil).

Speaking of Despil, he seems to have taken a liking to stalking Rathana, and sending me letters about it. It amuses me. They make for… interesting conversations.

I… honestly thought Rathana was going to hit me last night. He was angry at me, I was waiting for him to. Did I want him to? I think I did. The anger he displayed was more enticing to me than him trying to bed me… again.

In the inn… he yelled at me, and tried to make me see things his way. I refused to; everyone in the Regiment is my friend. He was annoyed, and he started to leave. I stopped him and begged him not to leave me alone. I didn’t want him to leave… like that. I wanted him to talk to me. I didn’t care about what. About everything, or nothing. Or yell at me more. I didn’t want him to leave. He got angrier at me, and snapped at me, saying “You’ve nothing to say, so I should go.” I… started to cry, he didn't know that though, and I looked at the floor. He tried kissing my hand, and I just told him to leave… to get the ***** out. I was mad then. He wouldn’t leave. He started apologizing, saying he had only been frustrated, and now he wasn’t. He was so quick to stay when I got angry.

We went and sat on a roof top later last night. It was… nice. I thought maybe… he’d forgotten how much he wanted to… Ah, but he didn’t let me down. I thought.. that maybe… he just wanted to love on me… he had his arms wrapped around me… and when I told him I didn’t want to last night, he got all… huffy, and moved away from me. Saying that I shouldn’t’ve gotten him excited. I hadn’t done anything. I mean… he laid his hand on my stomach, and I made a comment about trying to make babies, but that was all. What am I going to do?

He said… he loves me because I’m pretty. He called me vain. He’s the only person to ever make me want to not be pretty.

Ashtehn came up when Rathana left. He’d been spying; he’s a terrible spy, y’see. And… he made me feel better. I love him so much. My best friend. I want him to have something very special to me. I just have to figure out how to go about it.

[Ruthven Blazefury]

Abremmy's dead.

It's all my fault.

No, no, Rath's fault. It's not my fault I want him all to myself, is it? He was going… is going… to be my husband, isn’t he?

Remi… the child-lover of my fiancée… I didn’t want you dead. You killed yourself. Over some guy? Some little manwhore who had hurt you in more ways than anymore ever could?

I almost left Rathana when he spoke of you. He wanted to keep you, and be married to me. He wanted to adopt you as his son! Apparently, he has another adopted son, Mahn. How come I didn’t know that? He wanted to set you up with Mahn. Pseudo-incestual. He wanted to wean you of him, but be at your back and call whenever you needed him. He’s an idiot.

Is it bad that I want my husband to be faithful to me? Not just in body, but in mind? I don’t care if he loves others, Hell, I do too, but I’m only friends with them at most. I don’t cart them off to remote locations all over Azeroth and make out with them.

By Rathana’s definition of “lover”, I am not one of his. I am nothing more than a… really good friend. I have not had sex with him, so I am not his lover.

Remi… I am so sorry… for what this manwhore did to you. To us. To others. I should leave him now, he would be devastated! Would I laugh at his tears?

I am terribly angry. I hate him right now. At first, it was as if he was… upset over you dying. But shortly after, it was as if it was okay. That you had died. I assured him it wasn’t his fault… and he was okay.

We are dolls to him, aren’t we? Beautiful little toys he loves to play with… Does he love me? Did he love you? Or just the idea of being in love with us?

I loved you, Abremmy. Not as Rathana did. I cared for you, almost… fatherly. The short time I knew you. I wanted you to be happy. I wanted to protect you… from Rathana. I’m so sorry.

I told Rooku about your death, Remi. He hates Rath again, this time for a different reason. I think Roo and Takaii may try to kill him.

Why can't I stop being in love with Rathana?

[Ruthven Blazefury]

I'm sorry for not writing in this for a while. I lost it in Thunder Bluff a while back. I just found it earlier.

Rathana forced us to get married. He beat me. Erelle seperated us, though. I'm with Ashtehn now.

Ashtehn is nice enough. I love him. I found out something recently about him that I never knew. I'm not writing it in some book though, in case someone finds this.

Rathana has been trying to tell me all sorts of things about Ashtehn, without exactly telling me. I think he's hinting at what I already know about Ashie, but he doesn't know I know.

Bleh. Rathana's here. I'll write more later.

[Ruthven Blazefury]

Kill me. Please? Why won't you? I'm worthless.

I'm a little *****. Rathana always calls me that. He's right. Maybe the reason I never told him he was abusing me when he got carried away with his beatings was because I know I need them. I deserve them. What the hell did I think? That I could keep both him and Ashtehn? What the hell is wrong with me?

All I do is hurt them both. All I've done is hurt them. Rathana was put on trial for some stupid crimes that everyone in that god damn room'd committed. He was found guilty of assaulting Ashtehn. His punishment was to do whatever Ashtehn thought was appropriate. I don't think Ashie's going to pick anything.

Our "marriage" was dissolved during the trial by Onika, the savior. The whole thing'd fallen to shambles. Sinfael does not a good lawyer make. After she left, and Onika came, the whole thing was set.

I talked to Ashtehn the rest of the night. I told him how much I love him. He told me how much he loved me, but how he couldn't be what I want. I want someone who can hit me. Or can tell me to do things. Tell me no. He's going to try to be that tomorrow, is what he said.

I finally told him that I was just going to off myself. See, if I choose him, then Rathana will die. He'll hurt. He's given up -everything- to be with me. His whore, his whorishness, he quit being a warlock, he wants to spend the rest of his god damn life in Nagrand with me. I love him and what he does to me.

If I choose Rathana, Ashtehn will hurt. He loves me so ******* much. I make him happy, I make him feel special. He loves being around me. I love making him happy. I love making him feel like he's wanted. Because I do want him. So much. And if I don't choose him, then the Regiment will hate me... they've a good reason to.

I'm such an ungrateful *****. I deserve being abused. I deserve every ******* thing Rathana's done to me. The trenches on my arm that spell his name. The bruises, the beatings, the broken bones, the coughing-up-blood, the near-death experiences. I deserve all of that. I deserve to be killed. I want to die.

Ashtehn grabbed me after I told him I was going to kill myself in two days. He shook me, yelled at me to promise I wouldn't. I was in shock at that. So I promised him I wouldn't. I love him so much.

I can't wait for tomorrow. Ashtehn and I are going to talk some more... He's going to try to be what I want... Maybe... I can try and... forget about... Rathana... my ex-husband... If I can't forget about one of them.. And I keep loving both.. Then I'll keep hurting them too. And I'll sooner die than let that happen.

[Ruthven Blazefury]

First followup:
Ashtehn didn't show up - he left that night. He's back now though.

Now the main entry:
What the **** is wrong with me?

I don't even know if I should write this down. I'm not sure. I lose this book often enough for it to - Light forbid - end up in the hands of one of my friends.

Rooku has a lover. His name is Reathe. Rooku told me about him. Reathe is having problems choosing between Rooku and some whore named Celyn. I told Rooku I would go talk to this Reathe fellow and find out just what the hell he was doing.

... So I met him. Two nights ago. Wasn't even planned. I just stumbled upon him. So we went and talked.

I forgot everything. The headache went away. I was... my old self. I thought that Ruthven was long gone. He just kind of... talked. And he was nice. We talked about his problems... with Celyn and Rooku. I realized that he is very much like me right now. Torn between two lovers, you know.

We were sitting there, talking, and all of a sudden, he gets the notion to try to climb up to the ceiling. Afterwards, we went and sat back down. He asked... if he could lay his head in my lap. I was my old self then. I let him. He laid there, and talked about himself. I was listening to him, but I was also... preoccupied, I suppose. He... reminds me so much of someone I use to know. I was calm. I forgot everything.

We kissed. And we kissed again. And I wasn't thinking. I wasn't thinking about Rathana. Or Ashtehn. Or Rooku. We parted ways shortly after that; we both knew we were idiots. We... met each other again though. Just in passing. Then he fell off his horse near me in the Bazaar. I walked him home. ... We... didn't do anything at all. I just helped him into bed and left.

Reathe told Rooku. Rooku met me today in Thunder Bluff. I have never felt so sick in my life. He threatened to hit me - I told him that I deserved it. He almost did, but instead he hugged me. He told me to just get Ashie back with me.

I'm a fool. And the headache's back.

[Ruthven Blazefury]

<A copy of a letter is found here>

"Ere

I have no idea what to say, exactly. I suppose "I'm sorry" would work, though it's pointless. I'm not sorry that I reacted that way to my sister being killed.

I don't even really know why I'm mailing you. I suppose so you won't be mad at me, but that's pointless too. You shouldn't be mad at me.

I honestly did care that you'd been.. killed. Like that. You didn't deserve that. Not you. When I heard that both you and Sibilya had been killed, I went insane for a few moments. Or into shock. Or both.

I cried yesterday. I cried like a *****. I wanted to scream and scream and scream until my voice gave out. I love you. I'm sorry I didn't show that side of my emotions to the bastards that informed you that I "didn't care".

I'm sorry that I yelled at Toumar and Sael. I'm sorry that I desperately want to murder dear General Skyskinner with a rusty spoon.

I'm sorry that you died alone, and came back alone. But you aren't. I love you. I would've frozen their asses in ice if I'd been there. I'm sorry I was useless, and couldn't even be there.

I love you, my little lark. My friend. Please, forgive me for acting like that. You are not alone.

Ruthven Blazefury"